I must say, it has been the most emotionally draining year of my life. Moving back home was fine, I could handle that. But knowing what to do next has been scary, confusing and for a majority of the time, has turned me into a person that I don't recognize, or have not particularly liked at times.
I always imagined that when I finished University I would know what to do and would slip naturally into adult life, find a full time grown up job using my degree and all would be dandy.
However, what I found instead was a massive shock to the system. Not knowing what to do has meant I have spent too much time feeling like I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.
Over the last year it has left me feeling tearful, moody and snappy, more times than I like to admit. At the more ridiculous moments, I have even found myself resenting my degree, seeing it as an added pressure to do something with and something that mocks me when I am undecided on what to do. Rather than what it really is, proof of three years solid work and commitment. It's proof that I performed on stage on my own in front of two hundred people, it's proof that I wrote a 7,000 word dissertation, it's proof that I managed to live out of home for two years and survive, holding down two jobs whilst studying full time. It's proof that all the times I broke down in tears and declared that "I JUST CAN'T DO IT ANY MORE" were wrong. I could do it. And I did! - My degree is awesome!
The hardest part has been a loss of purpose, I went from school, to sixth form and then straight on to university. I've always known what is coming next. So now having this big stretch of space called 'The rest of my life' out in front of me, has completely overwhelmed and terrified me.
I tried looking for jobs, however nothing stuck out as exciting, or there were jobs I liked but still wasn't qualified enough for, or jobs that needed you to drive, or jobs that I felt were pointless as I didn't need my degree for them.
It has at times. made me feel completely down, which is dangerous because once you feel down it can completely overshadow everything, then it leads on to a whole stream of other issues; you feel stupid for not knowing what to do, you become paranoid that your friends and family think you are being lazy, when really it's all just down to being clueless.
At times, It has made me dismissive in conversations, it comes across as moody, or snappy, or childish or unreasonable. But really it's just annoyance at yourself, that you can't reel a big long list off, what you're doing, what your hopes and dreams and ambitions are, then you feel guilty and paranoid (that cycle again!) so you think it's easier to just shut everyone out and just not talk about it. Which is so not the case, my family and friends are my world and no one deserves to be shut out of anything!!! I didn't want to talk to people about it, because I knew I wouldn't have the answers to their questions. Plus I have never been one to offload my emotions onto other people, I much just prefer to get on with it. The trouble with that is, there is only so much you can carry before it completelty overwhelms you...and you go from sharing with no one to writing a blog post to share with your 450(ish) Facebook friends instead. Doh!
Howeverrrrrr (Don't worry, it's not all doom and gloom!) I have begun to realize more recently, be it through random online articles that keep on popping up on my facebook (It's as if they know!) and through conversations with friends who are in similar situations..It's okay to not know what to do! (Gasp, shock, horror!). I'm only 22, even if it takes me a couple of years to figure out exactly what I am doing, that still gives me the rest of my life to do whatever that may be. I may as well spend this figuring out time happy and stress-free, it's so not worth it. Having transferred to the Waterlooville Superdrug back in December,It may not be the best paid job, but it certainly keeps me happy. At one point I was looking at full time jobs, that did not sound my kind of thing, but was considering applying for them, simply because they were full time and slightly better paid. But then I thought, if it's not going to make me happy what is the point? What is the point in being in a full time job you wont enjoy? Okay I would have more money, but would it be worth it?? I guess to some people the money element would be important. And maybe I am wrong for thinking this and life can't all just be about happiness...But to me at this moment in time..happiness is so much more important. I'm lucky to have a job that I enjoy, that I laugh at every day, where I work with such lovely people who don't (seem to) mind the fact that I can be a bit clumsy and sometimes I'm forgetful...and I break things just by touching them and that my brain to mouth filter doesn't always work. (Wow, really selling myself here...I do good things as well!!!) that I don't mind going to every day (Loves to you guys xxx) - why lose that just to be unhappy somewhere else?!
That being said, I'm not going to just give up on sorting out my future on the basis that "La la la laaaaaa I'm so haaaaaaappy!' - I will keep looking, if I see something I like, be it a full time job or another part time job to do alongside my current one, then I will go for it (and if it means I have to be a bit more grown up and sensible and try and hold back on my ways slightly, then so be it!) - I just mean that in that time, I'm not going to fret, or feel useless or stupid or ashamed of the fact I don't know what to do. It's just really not worth it. Taylor Swifts song '22' was playing at work today, though it pains me to say it because I really do find her annoying, the lyrics are completely relevant...
Everything will be okay, so just deal with it and enjoy the confusion and what you learn from it. True words Taylor Swift babes, true words.
Speaking of grown up jobs...I have got another weekend job as....*Drum Roll please.....* TINKERBELL. It may not be a grown-up job, but how freaking fun, silly and utterly magical!! I haven't done a party yet, I've watched a fairy party to get some tips and I've done some craft parties as myself. But I am really looking forward to starting....I know at times it will be challenging "YOU NEED TO HURRY UP BECAUSE MY PARTY IS GOING TO START SOON!" (I've already mastered the art of making sure my brain to mouth filter is well and truly installed and smiling sweetly instead) - but I really am excited! Now I've just got to make sure my american accent is up to scratch, that I have prepared for every awkward question possible (HOW DO KIDS COME UP WITH THESE THINGS??) and practice walking in my mahoosive wings without taking out the eye of a small child...Oh, and get my driving done. I totally should get round to that as soon as I re-order my lost provisional license and redo my expired-nearly-three-years-ago theory test.
So yes, positive thinking and happy thoughts are going to get me through this whole life sussing out things, if it means I spend some time doing several random jobs( I feel like I may be better at that then the same stuffy 9-5 job anyway!) til I find what works for me, so be it- it really doesn't matter. Happiness really is the most important thing...otherwise it's all just a bit depressing and boring, I'm done with feeling sad and confused and ashamed, it's pointless and unproductive.
Happy thoughts and onward and upwards!
Mwaaaaah xxxxxxxx
