So I'm now twenty-three...
Which means I was thirteen, ten years ago...
2006 to be precise.
Which is scary because when someone says 2006, I think five years ago.
TEN?!!
Anyway now I am a wise and mature woman of twenty-three, I feel like there are some words of wisdom I would like to give to my thirteen year old self...
Not entirely possible, if you want to be awkward.
But just go along with it, 'kay?
*Ahem*
1) - Make-up, seriously. I'm sorry. Someone has to tell you. (And you don't listen to your mother when she does.) It's too much. I like the colour blue. In fact, I have a bit of a blue theme going on in my bedroom at the moment. But I like blue on things. Not your face.
Things that are a big no:
- Blue Eyeliner (In ten years time you'll be off to a Butlins eighties weekend, save it for that okay?
- Blue mascara (See above)
- Blue Barry M glitter dust Eyeshadow..(Again, see above...)
- White Eyeshadow...
- Turquoise Eyeshadow
- White Eyeshadow blending in (badly) to turquoise eyeshadow
- Dark brown lipgloss
Seriously, I get what you are trying to do, but it's too much for school and quite frankly you look ridiculous.
2) Going around town with a big group of friends. Cool. Being loud and obnoxious. Not cool. No one else thinks you are funny apart from you. If you're getting dirty looks from people, don't laugh at them. You probably deserve it. You're being annoying and older people quite frankly think you are a bit uncool and ridiculous in your 'gang'. Please don't make this worse with an MSN status saying 'Gr8 day in Wurvinn wiv ma galz and boyz' - It's Worthing, not Wurvinn. And you can just refer to them as friends. No need to sound stupid.
3) While we are on the topic of being in town. I get it. You're 13. You've gone down to Rustington with ya best mate Charlotte Quinney for a 'Girly shop' with a tenner in your pocket. You're going to go into Superdrug to buy some make up, because that's what cool grown up girls, who are out on a girly shop do. But don't be that young irritating teenager, who uses testers all over their face in the completely wrong colours, opens things they are never going to buy and who probably lobs things back wherever. The cosmetics lady is watching you. And she dislikes you. Stick to your Miss Sporty, slightly too dark foundation and be done. Maybe buy a face mask for good measure, thats okay. (Just no blue eyeshadow)
4) MSN - Again...Iget it. It's the key social thing. It's where you go to spend your evening talking to all the people you've spent the last seven hours with at school. Except this time you have a funky name and an arty picture to hide behind. Much cooler. Please, please think about your email address. Eventually you are going to make a CV and get a job.
This will be when you realise that x-Sugar-Tinted-Kisses-x@hotmail.co.uk does not work in making you look like a sensible person who is worthy of a sensible job. People will laugh at you. You'll have to change it to something really boring like TasminRhianne93.
So if you want to have a funky email address alongside your friends: Sxc_Chica123 and BubblyBrunette123 (muhahaha) that's FINE. Just be prepared to change it.
(Also don't have cringey names like 'Da risin, sun can kiss da grass but hunni u can kiss my ass :P' - you sound like an utter din and you will be punching yourself in the face every time you remember it for years to come.)
5) Go to a house party. Have an amazing time. You'll love it. Dance to music and drink WKD and Bacardi breezers until your heart's content. But just some gentle information. You cannot possibly be drunk on 2 bacardi breezers. You might think you are. Rolling round the floor laughing. But really, you're not. However all your friends will be thinking they are drunk as well, so you will be all bouncing off each other in a hysterical, 'drunken' mess. Which is fine. it's good fun. But what I'm saying is being drunk doesn't always feel that fun. It does when you're in the zone. But as soon as you peak and you're in a taxi home clutching on to an empty garlic bread bag from kens kebab shop, doing some serious heavy breathing because you feel like you're going to projectile all over the taxi, it's no longer fun...But don't worry, you'll soon learn when enough is enough (Hopefully by the time you're 33....)
6) You may now for your 10.15 AM. snack at school buy a cheeseburger and a packet of crisps (HOW IS THAT EVEN ALLOWED?!) as a tasty mid-morning snack. But seriously, when you're older. You can't do that. And you wont want to either. Just have a nice breakfast biscuit and a cuppa tea (You'll suddenly realise you like tea aged about 17..) - You'll suddenly reach a point where you start caring about what you eat. You'll feel a bit guilty about eating tooooo much junk food and if you do eat a lot of junk food in a day, you'll end up eating an apple before you go to bed so you feel like you've eaten something healthy...
The only time it will be acceptable to eat in this way, is when you have PMS. Then just to save your own sanity and for the safety of people around you, YOU EAT WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT OKAY?!
Also, whilst we're on that subject, I'm sorry to embarrass you but it's aaaaalllllll natural... Please don't worry about the fact that all your friends have started that particular journey, whilst you are trailing behind, listening to their conversations and not knowing whether to be jealous or horrified.
When they say you are lucky, they mean it. You will get your turn in time. And then you will do very odd things like eat chocolate for breakfast and then cry because none of your clothes feel right.
You'll also have have a monthly existential crisis, question every single aspect of your life..and do weird things like cry at dog food adverts. (You may also be shocked at the number of violent thoughts you can have in a day)...
(Also I wouldn't boast too much about the fact you never get spots, because that totally becomes a thing.)
That is all.
Finaaaaaaaalllllllly:
7) You've probably come across them already, you'll come across some more. School is full of utter twats. People who will do whatever they can to make you feel crap about yourself.
They are RELENTLESS.
They're going to tease you about having big eyes.
(What an idiot, fancy making the choice to have SUCH BIG EYES)
There'll be several names. Fish....Frog.....Hammer-Head Shark...Duck Face...
Bit of a theme, but don't be tempted to pop down to the nearest Sea-Life centre and ask if they have any tanks free for you to rent out for the paying publics viewing please. - just rise above it.
It's hard and at times you will want to retaliate/cry in their faces.
Riiiiiiiiiiiiiise above it.
Seriously mush, in ten years time, you're going to be using Eyeliner, Mascara and Fake eyelashes to make your eyes look EVEN BIGGER. Just as a masive F UUUUUUUUUUUUUU to them.
Your big eyes are fine. (Unless you smother them in blue eyeshadow, then we have a major problem.)
Work 'em!
Just be confident, say what you think (WITHIN REASON) and stick up for yourself.
In time, you'll learn from it.
So yes,
There we go.
Ahhh, teenage life.
How I miss it.
|Not.
(Though I do miss the cheaper train tickets and the whole not having to work thing.
That was nice.)
xx
Wednesday, 27 April 2016
Thursday, 3 March 2016
Being a foster sister
Around about the time I turned sixteen, my Mum developed Empty-nest syndrome, so for her 40th birthday, my Auntie bought her a Rabbit, Wilbur.
When it continued, we got Wilbur a friend, Nellie.
A couple of years later and with the old empty nest kicking in again, we got a puppy, Doris.
And when two Rabbits, two Guinea-Pigs and a puppy called Doris wasn't enough,
Mum and her partner Rob, became foster carers.
And that's where my life got a bit crazy.
I'm technically an only child, my parents divorced when I was two (it was just one of those sad things that happened, however I am so grateful to them both for forever remaining amicable, and supportive of one another in their role as parents, between the two of them, although separated I could not have asked for a happier upbringing). My Dad met my Step-Mum Liz when I was eight, which means I have grown up with two step-brothers, one five years younger, one eight months older. I've always enjoyed spending time with them (well most of the time muhahahaha), I've always had a laugh with them and despite the fact they use to (and probably still could!) wind me up to the point of tears with the teasing and the prodding and the random headlocks and wrestling sessions, I always enjoyed their company (It's definitely toughened me up a bit too, and made me sharper with my words and comebacks....when you aren't tough enough to physically win a fight, you learn to rely on sharp words instead!) So, I always felt I had the best of both worlds, I got to be a sister and enjoy the chaos of it all, but I also got to have time at home, just me and my mum doing our own thing.
This is way back in the day when it was just the two of us, we lived in our little two bedroom house, we'd watch TV together, sit in amicable silence and read, go for walks and have fish and chips by the river, I'd play out the front of the house (there were loads of us kids who all use to play out the front together for hours on end), or we'd go around my Aunties and I'd play with my three cousins, just general, content happy times.
Fast forward thirteen years later. I've had three days of earlies at work which means three days of five forty five starts, but today I'm not at work until eleven, I have an alarm set for nine forty-five, this is where the phrase 'Wishful thinking' should be used.
A small boy sibling type is in the shower, the bathroom is next to my bedroom. All I can hear is water running "SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAK, SLOSH. SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAK, SLOSH. SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEAK, SLOSH.", as he slides himself up and down the bath, creating tidal waves and generally having a great time.
I look at the time, ten to eight. "for FUCK sake."
I probably shouldn't care, but I do. I'm annoyed.
Really, really annoyed.
Both boys have been told about being quiet in the mornings. Not that they aren't allowed to talk, or have a laugh, or have fun, but they've always been taught to be "Considerate" for example:
"Tasmin hasn't got to be up for work early today, so when you go upstairs and get dressed, remember she will still be asleep, so try not to sing or shout down the stairs, or yell at each other or beat each other up right outside her bedroom door okay?"
I'm not feeling that there is much consideration going on this morning.
Sigh.
Sometimes, I really struggle being a foster sister, and I mean really struggle.
I was never one of those teenagers to shut herself away in her room for hours and hours on end...but now, my bedroom is my safe place, as soon as it all gets too much, I just come upstairs, flop on my bed and take sometime out for myself.
When you have foster children living with you, it's not just as simple as getting a ready made little siblings. These children come into your home, they are old enough to already have their own quirks, their own set ways, their own opinions and depending on their backgrounds some severe struggles, both emotional and task-based.
You don't realise until you hear some cases of foster children, just how much your childhood can affect who you are as a person and how you grow up to be. This means you can get children as young as two/three years old who show signs of difficult, or destructive behaviour, because as babies they did not have someone to form a secure, emotional bond with - It's all very complicated.
(I'm trying to explain things as tactfully as possible, however there are still areas of it, that I am not even close to understanding yet, so bear with!!)
\So, as it stands, I currently have two little foster brothers, O + T, they are 7 and 8 years old, and a younger foster sister J who is 15.
O + T are a long term placement, this means that they will be with us until they are at least 18, they have been with us for three years almost. Because they have been with us so long, and will be with us for much, much longer, I tend to refer to them in conversations as "my little Brothers", unless it is on Facebook, where they are 'Biggest small sibling type" and "Smallest small sibling type"
Our once peaceful lives have suddenly become a blur of activity, they have football practise, birthday parties, Beavers, Scouts, one thing after another. They seem to create endless piles of washing and they never run out of questions, or silly comments, or silly noises, or arguments to have with one another.
Sometimes, trying to get a word in edgeways to have a simple conversation with my mum is impossible, because we will be interrupted by a question or hearing an argument or general chit chat, sometimes we can talk over them, occasionally I reach the point where I give up and say "Don't worry, we'll talk later.".
There are moments when I resent them, which sounds terrible. How can you resent two small boys? That's the thing sometimes it brings out angry or resentful thoughts in you and you think "Shit, I'm actually a horrible person".
Then you realise, it doesn't make you a terrible person at all, because (I'm sure!) even parents with their own children have times when they feel like they are going a bit mad.
And you just want to scream..."CAN I JUST FINISH MY SENTENCE??"....."CAN YOU PLEASE JUST STOP ARGUING FOR ONE MINUTE"...."CAN YOU PLEASE JUST STOP MUCKING AROUND AND LET ME FINISH DOING WHAT I'M DOING." "I'VE TOLD YOU TO DO SOMETHING THREE TIMES NOW AND I REALLY DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO SAY IT AGAIN!!!!!!"
For my Mum and Rob, this is their job, it just so happens that their job is linked in very closely with their home lives, which means that it's pretty much 24/7.
Sometimes on bad days, when my mum is stressed and the boys are playing her up and I can see she's just had enough, I think "Why do you bother??", I worry for them, it's not a job where they can go home and relax at the end of the day and try to forget about everything, it is literally their life.
But then I realise why they bother, I look at how far the boys have come since they came to us.
I look at them and their little ways:
They show affection, they can use a knife and fork properly, they can get themselves dressed and ready (though sometimes they have to be sent back upstairs if there is a bit of a mismatched outfit going on!), they've grown more confident, they've developed little quirks and funny little sense of humours, they are brave and try new things, they go to beavers and scouts, they go away on camping weekends and work hard to earn their badges, they both read a lot, they've developed imaginations, they sing a long to songs in the car and they ask questions about everything. They sit and watch 'The Chase' with me in the evenings and shout out the answers (complete guesses!) and cheer when they get them right. They try and tell silly little jokes that don't quite work, they get excited about their birthdays. They still believe in Father Christmas and the Tooth Fairy and they try and use big words in conversations that aren't quite right. They pick up on phrases that we use and try and use them in an argument incorrectly in a way that makes us chuckle.
That is why we bother.
Yes it's hard work, sometimes I dream of the days when it was just me and my mum in our little house, life was so peaceful and calm and just completely different. Although the boys drive me mad at times and I think it's all too much and "GOD I JUST NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE", secretly, I think they are pretty admirable. The fact that they came to live with complete strangers at such a young age and despite the odd hiccup along the way and the sometimes slightly naughty behaviour, they've actually been very, very brave and have done very well.
That's all down to my Mum and Rob as well and the patience and time and love they have provided them with,
I'm thinking of looking into, or setting up some form of online support for Foster Siblings.
When you are a child in care you get all kinds of emotional support provided for you (rightly so!) in whichever way, shape or form you need it.
When you are a foster carer you get meetings with social workers, there are places and meetings you can go to, where you can vent, get support and just generally let off steam. However us foster siblings get forgotten about slightly. It's hard, you have your own life and job and things you do, but you are also having to come home and live through your parents job, deal with the struggles that the job brings, whilst remaining helpful and supportive.
I've accepted that this is life now, it feels a million miles away from our old life, but that's what happens, things change. I'm not going to be around home forever (I hope!!) I'm reaching that age now where I'm thinking about the future, I want to do some travelling, get a new full time and well paid job that is more in my chosen field, move out of home and further down the line, I would like to meet someone and settle down and become a mummy. (But not just yet, I still feel like I've got a few more years of partying and holidays and travelling left in me first!).
And as the years go on, just like my life will change, things will change at home. Children come to us and we help them, whether they need us for years and years or just for a couple of months or even weeks, then when they have got all they can from us, and us from them, then they move on, leaving our door open to the next young person who needs our help. Each child bringing with them their own personality, their own struggles and their own stories. each child affecting our lives in a different way. Sometimes we learn just as much from them as they learn from us.
So yes, there are times when it's tough and sometimes it feels like the struggles outweigh the good. But there are always little moments where they melt my heart slightly.
When I read them their bedtime story and they snuggle up to me.
When I tuck them in and they give me a big hug and every night they say "Night Night Tasmin, Hope you have a lovely sleep!"
When they get the giggles over something silly I've said, that really wasn't that funny, but they laugh like it's THE funniest thing they have ever heard in their lives.
When tonight I was babysitting and me and J sat in the lounge together, we watched TV, we ate crisps and sweets and too much chocolate despite just having dinner. She played me songs she likes off her phone and showed me silly videos. Then we stuck on Keeping up with the Kardashians and she played on her iPad whilst I read my book, we just sat in complete companionable silence with each other.
You have to be everything when your family foster, A big sister, a counsellor, a life-coach, a friend, someone who will be honest with them and speak out when the truth needs to be said to them.
It's completely changed my life, yet now, they are my slightly mismatched, loud, chaotic family.
And I couldn't imagine my life without them.
xx
Wednesday, 23 December 2015
What I learnt this year...
I really, really need to write more..
I can't even put it down to general being-busy-ness, when I first started my old blog over three years ago (URKKKKK!) I was posting three, sometimes four times a week, That was whilst studying for my degree, working stupid hours at two different jobs and just generally student-ing about.
I had this realisation earlier, that after spending the last however long saying "I never have anything to say anymoooore" to anyone who questioned why I was no longer blogging, my facebook statuses are becoming more and more frequent again. After writing a fecking essay of a status earlier (which I ended up deleting because NO ONE LIKES A FACEBOOK ESAY) I decided to accept the fact that writing and words are my very therapeutic way of relieving my head from random brain mush and the resulting mini break down that occurs from brain mush overload...and to start blogging again.
So, New Years resolution number one: BLOG MORE.
Now that I have dropped in that line about new years resolutions all subtle like, I can move on to the main topic of my blog.
STUFFS WHAT I LEARNT IN 2015:
1) You don't have to have a life plan straight away - I spent a few months after university in a right pickle. I had to find a perfect graduate job.
"I mean duh, I'm a graduate, I have a degree, of course I have to use it, otherwise it's pointless and I will have wasted THREE YEARS OF MY BLOODY LIFE...everyone will be expecting me to find the perfect job....but I don't entirely know what I want that job to be...do I apply for a graduate job that I don't particularly like, just so I can say LOOK AT ME I AM EARNING MONEY USING THE KNOWLEDGE I DEVELOPED FROM MY DEGREE, AREN'T I A GROWN UP?!...Why have they not replied to my application yet?....let me thesaurus that word so it sounds smart on my application...Oh god look how many people have applied for that job...they are so going to get it instead of me....OH MY GOD AN INTERVIEW, WHAT DO I WEAR WHAT SHALL I SAY? WHAT DO I DO?...You know what, I don't think this job is going to be right for me...not what I want to do....too hard to get there....so now I'm going to have to talk myself out of it for all these pretend practical reasons when really it's because I prefer my lovely current non-degree-related job..."
2) You're own happiness is key - Stressing about life after university wasted a massive chunk of my time, I couldn't relax and just enjoy being. I felt guilty for feeling so settled, because I didn't think I was doing anything productive enough with my time to earn feeling settled, "BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO FOR A JOB OR WHAT TO DO NEXT IN LIFE" - Again, a whole load of stupid pressure I was putting on myself. Then I realised that a lot of my pressure that I was putting on myself was highly influenced by my fear of what other people were thinking of me. But then I thought I love my jobs, I enjoy working at Superdrug, I enjoy being part of the Princess/Fairy party team...and that for now I would much rather be happy doing what I do with a bit of variety, than being stuck in a job I don't like, just for the sake of 'being in a grown up job'. So I thought stuff it, as long as I am happy who cares what anyone else thinks. That weight being lifted meant I was opening myself to more opportunities without even realising. So I said yes to Team Leader training at Superdrug, Yes to more princess party opportunities (New Years resolution number two, get over my fear of singing in front of people, I've done it before I can do it again!) and enrolled on an online course in writing stories for young children....half a module down...seventeen and a half to go...
3) Having weak moments can actually be a sign of strength - I've always said "Oh yes, positive thinking is key, just thinking positively can make everything okay." I've been saying that since the days of Bebo, when it was probably my tagline or something.
But I have discovered, there are times when positive thinking can't help you, because you feel so bogged down by everything that a nice bit of positive thinking, just doesn't feel possible. That sometimes you feel like that and you can't always explain why...and that is so okay. No one can feel positive ALLLL THE TIMEEEEEE. There is nothing wrong with showing your more vulnerable side, of saying that you feel a bit fed up and you don't know why. Crying in front of people - another thing I've always said "Oh I don't do crying, I don't cry in front of people". Ahmagad, I have so cried in front of people this year, for varying reasons. And shocker, I have discovered it's okay, you cry in front of people, they give you a hug, it's out your system, you aren't carrying it around alone anymore, no one judges you for crying*and you can carry on with your day. This year has bought out my weakest most vulnerable side, but I've discovered that showing weakness can be a strength in itself, I means you have no choice but to face things, pick yourself up, brush yourself down an carry on with you head held high! I'm definitely a tougher cookie than I've ever thought I am...
*Though the other day in a state of PMT induced emotion I found myself tearing up, at an advert on TV...I wont say which one but lets just say it features a Turkey and a happy ending with a nice Westlife ballad playing in the background...you can totally judge me for that.
4) I cannot hold my drink well and I deal with hangovers even worserererer....
Every time I go out..I have fun...I drink, I drink more, I feel drunk and then push it one step too far with another drink...I'm sick...sometimes tactically...other times not. If I'm not sick, I spend the whole taxi ride home thinking I'm going to be, so I wind down my window, do some deep breathing and clutch a handbag that a loving best friend has emptied out for me to be sick into if the need arises (it has not luckily) to avoid the £50 fine for 'soiling' the taxi in anyway shape or form.
The morning after is always the same. I wake up stupidly early after three hours sleep, just to make my suffering even worse (I envy people who sleep off hangovers all day)... then lie in bed and watch a stupid amount of TV in the dark...Or I just lie in a silenced state of shock for a few hours. Then normally in no real order I alternate between eating food, hating myself for going out and the money spent, having an existential crisis, crying and snapping at any family member who dares breathe in my direction. In other words I am delightful.
Once upon a time I use to go out, have three hours sleep and then go do an eight hour shift at work. Alas, now I am a mature 22 year old, those powers are long gone.
Does this mean I will hold back on the nights out from now on? ABSOLUTELY NOT.
5) People change and situations change, it doesn't have to be a bad thing - I've realised that being a grown up REALLY GETS IN THE WAY OF LIFE. Especially socially, trying to maintain a friendship where you can still see each other all the time becomes dam near impossible. It's not like the olden days of 2010 when you could co-ordinate your classes and your one day a weekend job, with your friends to find a time to hang out...trying to arrange a time to meet just one friend is a challenge...and a group?...near impossible. Someone has to work, someone is visiting family, someone is meeting other people that night already, someone is with their partner, someone is away that weekend, you go through diaries desperately trying to find a date and you end up on January 24th 2018. In the past that would have bothered me. But, I've realised you don't always need friendships where you are together all the time. It's nice that everyone is doing their own thing. It means when you all eventually come together, you all have different news to tell, you are at different stages of life with different things happening that you can share. Those friendships are really, really special - when you can come together after ages apart and it feels like nothing has changed. That's when you know you have a friend for life!
6) SHUTTING YOUR THUMB IN A CAR DOOR REALLY FUCKING HHURTS!!
Oh my god. THE PAIN. I am the clumsiest person in the world, yet somehow I managed 22 years, without breaking a single bone in my body.
Saturday night, Ex-houemate Hannah drives down for a night out from Hastings, she pulls up outside my house, we go and get some mixers and draw some money out...we drive back to mine.
I'm chattering away (Shocker) telling her the story about how earlier that day I dropped something in a shop (shocker) and it broke (shocker) and I had to pay towards it....
Get out the car still talking...
Slam the car door shut...
I'm not sure if I felt the pain first or if I went to walk away first and realised I couldn't (EEEEEK) but my whole thumb was trapped in the completely closed car door...
"OWWWWWWW....MY THUMBS STUCK IN THE DOOR...MY THUMBS STUCK IN THE DOOR....MY THUMBS STUCK IN THE DOOR....."
Hannah: "Shit!" Runs round and opens door...
I look down at thumb, it is bleeding and purple but amazingly still attached to my hand.
Kerfuffle whilst I drip blood around the kitchen and go white and shaky and apologise to Hannah for ruining our night out (priorities!) during which time she makes the decision to take me round the corner to A and E...
Arrive at A and E. I then have to do some torturous answering of questions whilst they sign me in...Marital status...Next of Kin...Postcode (Which I couldn't remember in my state) Blah Blah Blah...A man comes in. He has taken drugs, been rescued and then spent seven hours in bed which he was not happy about. He is shouting and swearing and slowing down my process of being checked in (Thumb is throbbing by this point)
I declare in my pain induced frustration to Hannah that "At least he's had a fucking bed" perhaps a bit too loudly as the receptionist tells me off..
EVENTUALLY we are sent to the waiting area to wait....and wait...and wait...and wait...I can't eat or drink anything apparently, because I may need medication. So we wait...and wait...and wait...
We waited for so long that I managed to convince myself it didn't hurt THAT BADLY. We then saw a sign that said waiting time, 4 hours........."Let's go to Asda, I we can bandage it ourselves, have our night out and if it's bad tomorrow still, just get it check out then...
Cue some dodgy bandage work..A taxi to Portsmouth...too much vodka, a too strong shot...a dance in Popworld...2 massive cocktail fishbowls...and a 4am finish...
Next morning...OWW MY THUMB.
Off to a different hospital, this time.. there was only an hours wait (An hour too long with a hangover)...They X-rayed my hand..."grumble grumble grumble...It doesn't need an X-Ray, all I want is someone to clean it and put a proper bandage on it...grumble grumble grumble"
Until they told me that I had in fact broken it and sent me off home with a cut, bruised and swollen thumb, covered in bandages and held up in a splint on one hand and clutching a bag of pain-killers in the other. Doh. Indeed.
So, I feel like I have made up for pretty much a year of non-blogging in one post.
I'm not normally fussed about the start of a new year.
But I am this year, I feel like a lot has happened this year and that January can start a new, clean positive state. Don't get me wrong, I have had some amazing times this year, I've done some performances, I've enjoyed my work, I've laughed A LOT and I've drank A LOT and I've eaten Greggs A LOT (Dammit being right next door to work). I've been so lucky to have fantastic friends and work friends and family who have made me smile this year with general silliness and support and loveliness. I wish you all love and luck and happiness for next year...Mwaaaaah!
Right, New Years resolutions:
1) Blog more, write more. Write, Write Write!
2) Complete my Team Leader training at work
3) Do more singing so I can get more confident and do more princess parties!
4) Complete online writing course - Attempt to write a children's book...
5) Pass my driving test and get on the road!
6) Do some travelling...
7) Do more nights out (Note to self: Just drink less)
8) Don't worry so much! Take each day as it comes
9) Get more organised....(I came up to tidy my room at 10...to be in bed watching family guy at 11...It's now 02.00 in the morning, I am still sat on the floor *CRAMPING UP NOW GUYS* tip-tapping away...I have to be up for work at 07.30...I'm working until 17.00 and I have my hour lunch break to finish Christmas shopping. AHMAGAD. Like I said GET MORE ORGANISED.
I think that will do for now, my eyes are going blurry, my fingers are going numb and my brain is feeling fluffy. So my apologies for any rambling, terrible grammar, repetition or rambling....
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE AND I HOPE 2016 IS HAPPY AND SUCCESFULL AND LOVELY AND POSITIVE AND EXCITING!!
Loves xx
I can't even put it down to general being-busy-ness, when I first started my old blog over three years ago (URKKKKK!) I was posting three, sometimes four times a week, That was whilst studying for my degree, working stupid hours at two different jobs and just generally student-ing about.
I had this realisation earlier, that after spending the last however long saying "I never have anything to say anymoooore" to anyone who questioned why I was no longer blogging, my facebook statuses are becoming more and more frequent again. After writing a fecking essay of a status earlier (which I ended up deleting because NO ONE LIKES A FACEBOOK ESAY) I decided to accept the fact that writing and words are my very therapeutic way of relieving my head from random brain mush and the resulting mini break down that occurs from brain mush overload...and to start blogging again.
So, New Years resolution number one: BLOG MORE.
Now that I have dropped in that line about new years resolutions all subtle like, I can move on to the main topic of my blog.
STUFFS WHAT I LEARNT IN 2015:
1) You don't have to have a life plan straight away - I spent a few months after university in a right pickle. I had to find a perfect graduate job.
"I mean duh, I'm a graduate, I have a degree, of course I have to use it, otherwise it's pointless and I will have wasted THREE YEARS OF MY BLOODY LIFE...everyone will be expecting me to find the perfect job....but I don't entirely know what I want that job to be...do I apply for a graduate job that I don't particularly like, just so I can say LOOK AT ME I AM EARNING MONEY USING THE KNOWLEDGE I DEVELOPED FROM MY DEGREE, AREN'T I A GROWN UP?!...Why have they not replied to my application yet?....let me thesaurus that word so it sounds smart on my application...Oh god look how many people have applied for that job...they are so going to get it instead of me....OH MY GOD AN INTERVIEW, WHAT DO I WEAR WHAT SHALL I SAY? WHAT DO I DO?...You know what, I don't think this job is going to be right for me...not what I want to do....too hard to get there....so now I'm going to have to talk myself out of it for all these pretend practical reasons when really it's because I prefer my lovely current non-degree-related job..."
2) You're own happiness is key - Stressing about life after university wasted a massive chunk of my time, I couldn't relax and just enjoy being. I felt guilty for feeling so settled, because I didn't think I was doing anything productive enough with my time to earn feeling settled, "BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO FOR A JOB OR WHAT TO DO NEXT IN LIFE" - Again, a whole load of stupid pressure I was putting on myself. Then I realised that a lot of my pressure that I was putting on myself was highly influenced by my fear of what other people were thinking of me. But then I thought I love my jobs, I enjoy working at Superdrug, I enjoy being part of the Princess/Fairy party team...and that for now I would much rather be happy doing what I do with a bit of variety, than being stuck in a job I don't like, just for the sake of 'being in a grown up job'. So I thought stuff it, as long as I am happy who cares what anyone else thinks. That weight being lifted meant I was opening myself to more opportunities without even realising. So I said yes to Team Leader training at Superdrug, Yes to more princess party opportunities (New Years resolution number two, get over my fear of singing in front of people, I've done it before I can do it again!) and enrolled on an online course in writing stories for young children....half a module down...seventeen and a half to go...
3) Having weak moments can actually be a sign of strength - I've always said "Oh yes, positive thinking is key, just thinking positively can make everything okay." I've been saying that since the days of Bebo, when it was probably my tagline or something.
But I have discovered, there are times when positive thinking can't help you, because you feel so bogged down by everything that a nice bit of positive thinking, just doesn't feel possible. That sometimes you feel like that and you can't always explain why...and that is so okay. No one can feel positive ALLLL THE TIMEEEEEE. There is nothing wrong with showing your more vulnerable side, of saying that you feel a bit fed up and you don't know why. Crying in front of people - another thing I've always said "Oh I don't do crying, I don't cry in front of people". Ahmagad, I have so cried in front of people this year, for varying reasons. And shocker, I have discovered it's okay, you cry in front of people, they give you a hug, it's out your system, you aren't carrying it around alone anymore, no one judges you for crying*and you can carry on with your day. This year has bought out my weakest most vulnerable side, but I've discovered that showing weakness can be a strength in itself, I means you have no choice but to face things, pick yourself up, brush yourself down an carry on with you head held high! I'm definitely a tougher cookie than I've ever thought I am...
*Though the other day in a state of PMT induced emotion I found myself tearing up, at an advert on TV...I wont say which one but lets just say it features a Turkey and a happy ending with a nice Westlife ballad playing in the background...you can totally judge me for that.
4) I cannot hold my drink well and I deal with hangovers even worserererer....
Every time I go out..I have fun...I drink, I drink more, I feel drunk and then push it one step too far with another drink...I'm sick...sometimes tactically...other times not. If I'm not sick, I spend the whole taxi ride home thinking I'm going to be, so I wind down my window, do some deep breathing and clutch a handbag that a loving best friend has emptied out for me to be sick into if the need arises (it has not luckily) to avoid the £50 fine for 'soiling' the taxi in anyway shape or form.
The morning after is always the same. I wake up stupidly early after three hours sleep, just to make my suffering even worse (I envy people who sleep off hangovers all day)... then lie in bed and watch a stupid amount of TV in the dark...Or I just lie in a silenced state of shock for a few hours. Then normally in no real order I alternate between eating food, hating myself for going out and the money spent, having an existential crisis, crying and snapping at any family member who dares breathe in my direction. In other words I am delightful.
Once upon a time I use to go out, have three hours sleep and then go do an eight hour shift at work. Alas, now I am a mature 22 year old, those powers are long gone.
Does this mean I will hold back on the nights out from now on? ABSOLUTELY NOT.
5) People change and situations change, it doesn't have to be a bad thing - I've realised that being a grown up REALLY GETS IN THE WAY OF LIFE. Especially socially, trying to maintain a friendship where you can still see each other all the time becomes dam near impossible. It's not like the olden days of 2010 when you could co-ordinate your classes and your one day a weekend job, with your friends to find a time to hang out...trying to arrange a time to meet just one friend is a challenge...and a group?...near impossible. Someone has to work, someone is visiting family, someone is meeting other people that night already, someone is with their partner, someone is away that weekend, you go through diaries desperately trying to find a date and you end up on January 24th 2018. In the past that would have bothered me. But, I've realised you don't always need friendships where you are together all the time. It's nice that everyone is doing their own thing. It means when you all eventually come together, you all have different news to tell, you are at different stages of life with different things happening that you can share. Those friendships are really, really special - when you can come together after ages apart and it feels like nothing has changed. That's when you know you have a friend for life!
6) SHUTTING YOUR THUMB IN A CAR DOOR REALLY FUCKING HHURTS!!
Oh my god. THE PAIN. I am the clumsiest person in the world, yet somehow I managed 22 years, without breaking a single bone in my body.
Saturday night, Ex-houemate Hannah drives down for a night out from Hastings, she pulls up outside my house, we go and get some mixers and draw some money out...we drive back to mine.
I'm chattering away (Shocker) telling her the story about how earlier that day I dropped something in a shop (shocker) and it broke (shocker) and I had to pay towards it....
Get out the car still talking...
Slam the car door shut...
I'm not sure if I felt the pain first or if I went to walk away first and realised I couldn't (EEEEEK) but my whole thumb was trapped in the completely closed car door...
"OWWWWWWW....MY THUMBS STUCK IN THE DOOR...MY THUMBS STUCK IN THE DOOR....MY THUMBS STUCK IN THE DOOR....."
Hannah: "Shit!" Runs round and opens door...
I look down at thumb, it is bleeding and purple but amazingly still attached to my hand.
Kerfuffle whilst I drip blood around the kitchen and go white and shaky and apologise to Hannah for ruining our night out (priorities!) during which time she makes the decision to take me round the corner to A and E...
Arrive at A and E. I then have to do some torturous answering of questions whilst they sign me in...Marital status...Next of Kin...Postcode (Which I couldn't remember in my state) Blah Blah Blah...A man comes in. He has taken drugs, been rescued and then spent seven hours in bed which he was not happy about. He is shouting and swearing and slowing down my process of being checked in (Thumb is throbbing by this point)
I declare in my pain induced frustration to Hannah that "At least he's had a fucking bed" perhaps a bit too loudly as the receptionist tells me off..
EVENTUALLY we are sent to the waiting area to wait....and wait...and wait...and wait...I can't eat or drink anything apparently, because I may need medication. So we wait...and wait...and wait...
We waited for so long that I managed to convince myself it didn't hurt THAT BADLY. We then saw a sign that said waiting time, 4 hours........."Let's go to Asda, I we can bandage it ourselves, have our night out and if it's bad tomorrow still, just get it check out then...
Cue some dodgy bandage work..A taxi to Portsmouth...too much vodka, a too strong shot...a dance in Popworld...2 massive cocktail fishbowls...and a 4am finish...
Next morning...OWW MY THUMB.
Off to a different hospital, this time.. there was only an hours wait (An hour too long with a hangover)...They X-rayed my hand..."grumble grumble grumble...It doesn't need an X-Ray, all I want is someone to clean it and put a proper bandage on it...grumble grumble grumble"
Until they told me that I had in fact broken it and sent me off home with a cut, bruised and swollen thumb, covered in bandages and held up in a splint on one hand and clutching a bag of pain-killers in the other. Doh. Indeed.
So, I feel like I have made up for pretty much a year of non-blogging in one post.
I'm not normally fussed about the start of a new year.
But I am this year, I feel like a lot has happened this year and that January can start a new, clean positive state. Don't get me wrong, I have had some amazing times this year, I've done some performances, I've enjoyed my work, I've laughed A LOT and I've drank A LOT and I've eaten Greggs A LOT (Dammit being right next door to work). I've been so lucky to have fantastic friends and work friends and family who have made me smile this year with general silliness and support and loveliness. I wish you all love and luck and happiness for next year...Mwaaaaah!
Right, New Years resolutions:
1) Blog more, write more. Write, Write Write!
2) Complete my Team Leader training at work
3) Do more singing so I can get more confident and do more princess parties!
4) Complete online writing course - Attempt to write a children's book...
5) Pass my driving test and get on the road!
6) Do some travelling...
7) Do more nights out (Note to self: Just drink less)
8) Don't worry so much! Take each day as it comes
9) Get more organised....(I came up to tidy my room at 10...to be in bed watching family guy at 11...It's now 02.00 in the morning, I am still sat on the floor *CRAMPING UP NOW GUYS* tip-tapping away...I have to be up for work at 07.30...I'm working until 17.00 and I have my hour lunch break to finish Christmas shopping. AHMAGAD. Like I said GET MORE ORGANISED.
I think that will do for now, my eyes are going blurry, my fingers are going numb and my brain is feeling fluffy. So my apologies for any rambling, terrible grammar, repetition or rambling....
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE AND I HOPE 2016 IS HAPPY AND SUCCESFULL AND LOVELY AND POSITIVE AND EXCITING!!
Loves xx
Friday, 14 August 2015
This past year.
So...in four days it will be exactly a year since I returned back home after living away at University for just over two years.
I must say, it has been the most emotionally draining year of my life. Moving back home was fine, I could handle that. But knowing what to do next has been scary, confusing and for a majority of the time, has turned me into a person that I don't recognize, or have not particularly liked at times.
I always imagined that when I finished University I would know what to do and would slip naturally into adult life, find a full time grown up job using my degree and all would be dandy.
However, what I found instead was a massive shock to the system. Not knowing what to do has meant I have spent too much time feeling like I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.
Over the last year it has left me feeling tearful, moody and snappy, more times than I like to admit. At the more ridiculous moments, I have even found myself resenting my degree, seeing it as an added pressure to do something with and something that mocks me when I am undecided on what to do. Rather than what it really is, proof of three years solid work and commitment. It's proof that I performed on stage on my own in front of two hundred people, it's proof that I wrote a 7,000 word dissertation, it's proof that I managed to live out of home for two years and survive, holding down two jobs whilst studying full time. It's proof that all the times I broke down in tears and declared that "I JUST CAN'T DO IT ANY MORE" were wrong. I could do it. And I did! - My degree is awesome!
The hardest part has been a loss of purpose, I went from school, to sixth form and then straight on to university. I've always known what is coming next. So now having this big stretch of space called 'The rest of my life' out in front of me, has completely overwhelmed and terrified me.
I tried looking for jobs, however nothing stuck out as exciting, or there were jobs I liked but still wasn't qualified enough for, or jobs that needed you to drive, or jobs that I felt were pointless as I didn't need my degree for them.
It has at times. made me feel completely down, which is dangerous because once you feel down it can completely overshadow everything, then it leads on to a whole stream of other issues; you feel stupid for not knowing what to do, you become paranoid that your friends and family think you are being lazy, when really it's all just down to being clueless.
At times, It has made me dismissive in conversations, it comes across as moody, or snappy, or childish or unreasonable. But really it's just annoyance at yourself, that you can't reel a big long list off, what you're doing, what your hopes and dreams and ambitions are, then you feel guilty and paranoid (that cycle again!) so you think it's easier to just shut everyone out and just not talk about it. Which is so not the case, my family and friends are my world and no one deserves to be shut out of anything!!! I didn't want to talk to people about it, because I knew I wouldn't have the answers to their questions. Plus I have never been one to offload my emotions onto other people, I much just prefer to get on with it. The trouble with that is, there is only so much you can carry before it completelty overwhelms you...and you go from sharing with no one to writing a blog post to share with your 450(ish) Facebook friends instead. Doh!
Howeverrrrrr (Don't worry, it's not all doom and gloom!) I have begun to realize more recently, be it through random online articles that keep on popping up on my facebook (It's as if they know!) and through conversations with friends who are in similar situations..It's okay to not know what to do! (Gasp, shock, horror!). I'm only 22, even if it takes me a couple of years to figure out exactly what I am doing, that still gives me the rest of my life to do whatever that may be. I may as well spend this figuring out time happy and stress-free, it's so not worth it. Having transferred to the Waterlooville Superdrug back in December,It may not be the best paid job, but it certainly keeps me happy. At one point I was looking at full time jobs, that did not sound my kind of thing, but was considering applying for them, simply because they were full time and slightly better paid. But then I thought, if it's not going to make me happy what is the point? What is the point in being in a full time job you wont enjoy? Okay I would have more money, but would it be worth it?? I guess to some people the money element would be important. And maybe I am wrong for thinking this and life can't all just be about happiness...But to me at this moment in time..happiness is so much more important. I'm lucky to have a job that I enjoy, that I laugh at every day, where I work with such lovely people who don't (seem to) mind the fact that I can be a bit clumsy and sometimes I'm forgetful...and I break things just by touching them and that my brain to mouth filter doesn't always work. (Wow, really selling myself here...I do good things as well!!!) that I don't mind going to every day (Loves to you guys xxx) - why lose that just to be unhappy somewhere else?!
That being said, I'm not going to just give up on sorting out my future on the basis that "La la la laaaaaa I'm so haaaaaaappy!' - I will keep looking, if I see something I like, be it a full time job or another part time job to do alongside my current one, then I will go for it (and if it means I have to be a bit more grown up and sensible and try and hold back on my ways slightly, then so be it!) - I just mean that in that time, I'm not going to fret, or feel useless or stupid or ashamed of the fact I don't know what to do. It's just really not worth it. Taylor Swifts song '22' was playing at work today, though it pains me to say it because I really do find her annoying, the lyrics are completely relevant...
Everything will be okay, so just deal with it and enjoy the confusion and what you learn from it. True words Taylor Swift babes, true words.
Speaking of grown up jobs...I have got another weekend job as....*Drum Roll please.....* TINKERBELL. It may not be a grown-up job, but how freaking fun, silly and utterly magical!! I haven't done a party yet, I've watched a fairy party to get some tips and I've done some craft parties as myself. But I am really looking forward to starting....I know at times it will be challenging "YOU NEED TO HURRY UP BECAUSE MY PARTY IS GOING TO START SOON!" (I've already mastered the art of making sure my brain to mouth filter is well and truly installed and smiling sweetly instead) - but I really am excited! Now I've just got to make sure my american accent is up to scratch, that I have prepared for every awkward question possible (HOW DO KIDS COME UP WITH THESE THINGS??) and practice walking in my mahoosive wings without taking out the eye of a small child...Oh, and get my driving done. I totally should get round to that as soon as I re-order my lost provisional license and redo my expired-nearly-three-years-ago theory test.
So yes, positive thinking and happy thoughts are going to get me through this whole life sussing out things, if it means I spend some time doing several random jobs( I feel like I may be better at that then the same stuffy 9-5 job anyway!) til I find what works for me, so be it- it really doesn't matter. Happiness really is the most important thing...otherwise it's all just a bit depressing and boring, I'm done with feeling sad and confused and ashamed, it's pointless and unproductive.
Happy thoughts and onward and upwards!
Mwaaaaah xxxxxxxx
I must say, it has been the most emotionally draining year of my life. Moving back home was fine, I could handle that. But knowing what to do next has been scary, confusing and for a majority of the time, has turned me into a person that I don't recognize, or have not particularly liked at times.
I always imagined that when I finished University I would know what to do and would slip naturally into adult life, find a full time grown up job using my degree and all would be dandy.
However, what I found instead was a massive shock to the system. Not knowing what to do has meant I have spent too much time feeling like I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.
Over the last year it has left me feeling tearful, moody and snappy, more times than I like to admit. At the more ridiculous moments, I have even found myself resenting my degree, seeing it as an added pressure to do something with and something that mocks me when I am undecided on what to do. Rather than what it really is, proof of three years solid work and commitment. It's proof that I performed on stage on my own in front of two hundred people, it's proof that I wrote a 7,000 word dissertation, it's proof that I managed to live out of home for two years and survive, holding down two jobs whilst studying full time. It's proof that all the times I broke down in tears and declared that "I JUST CAN'T DO IT ANY MORE" were wrong. I could do it. And I did! - My degree is awesome!
The hardest part has been a loss of purpose, I went from school, to sixth form and then straight on to university. I've always known what is coming next. So now having this big stretch of space called 'The rest of my life' out in front of me, has completely overwhelmed and terrified me.
I tried looking for jobs, however nothing stuck out as exciting, or there were jobs I liked but still wasn't qualified enough for, or jobs that needed you to drive, or jobs that I felt were pointless as I didn't need my degree for them.
It has at times. made me feel completely down, which is dangerous because once you feel down it can completely overshadow everything, then it leads on to a whole stream of other issues; you feel stupid for not knowing what to do, you become paranoid that your friends and family think you are being lazy, when really it's all just down to being clueless.
At times, It has made me dismissive in conversations, it comes across as moody, or snappy, or childish or unreasonable. But really it's just annoyance at yourself, that you can't reel a big long list off, what you're doing, what your hopes and dreams and ambitions are, then you feel guilty and paranoid (that cycle again!) so you think it's easier to just shut everyone out and just not talk about it. Which is so not the case, my family and friends are my world and no one deserves to be shut out of anything!!! I didn't want to talk to people about it, because I knew I wouldn't have the answers to their questions. Plus I have never been one to offload my emotions onto other people, I much just prefer to get on with it. The trouble with that is, there is only so much you can carry before it completelty overwhelms you...and you go from sharing with no one to writing a blog post to share with your 450(ish) Facebook friends instead. Doh!
Howeverrrrrr (Don't worry, it's not all doom and gloom!) I have begun to realize more recently, be it through random online articles that keep on popping up on my facebook (It's as if they know!) and through conversations with friends who are in similar situations..It's okay to not know what to do! (Gasp, shock, horror!). I'm only 22, even if it takes me a couple of years to figure out exactly what I am doing, that still gives me the rest of my life to do whatever that may be. I may as well spend this figuring out time happy and stress-free, it's so not worth it. Having transferred to the Waterlooville Superdrug back in December,It may not be the best paid job, but it certainly keeps me happy. At one point I was looking at full time jobs, that did not sound my kind of thing, but was considering applying for them, simply because they were full time and slightly better paid. But then I thought, if it's not going to make me happy what is the point? What is the point in being in a full time job you wont enjoy? Okay I would have more money, but would it be worth it?? I guess to some people the money element would be important. And maybe I am wrong for thinking this and life can't all just be about happiness...But to me at this moment in time..happiness is so much more important. I'm lucky to have a job that I enjoy, that I laugh at every day, where I work with such lovely people who don't (seem to) mind the fact that I can be a bit clumsy and sometimes I'm forgetful...and I break things just by touching them and that my brain to mouth filter doesn't always work. (Wow, really selling myself here...I do good things as well!!!) that I don't mind going to every day (Loves to you guys xxx) - why lose that just to be unhappy somewhere else?!
That being said, I'm not going to just give up on sorting out my future on the basis that "La la la laaaaaa I'm so haaaaaaappy!' - I will keep looking, if I see something I like, be it a full time job or another part time job to do alongside my current one, then I will go for it (and if it means I have to be a bit more grown up and sensible and try and hold back on my ways slightly, then so be it!) - I just mean that in that time, I'm not going to fret, or feel useless or stupid or ashamed of the fact I don't know what to do. It's just really not worth it. Taylor Swifts song '22' was playing at work today, though it pains me to say it because I really do find her annoying, the lyrics are completely relevant...
Everything will be okay, so just deal with it and enjoy the confusion and what you learn from it. True words Taylor Swift babes, true words.
Speaking of grown up jobs...I have got another weekend job as....*Drum Roll please.....* TINKERBELL. It may not be a grown-up job, but how freaking fun, silly and utterly magical!! I haven't done a party yet, I've watched a fairy party to get some tips and I've done some craft parties as myself. But I am really looking forward to starting....I know at times it will be challenging "YOU NEED TO HURRY UP BECAUSE MY PARTY IS GOING TO START SOON!" (I've already mastered the art of making sure my brain to mouth filter is well and truly installed and smiling sweetly instead) - but I really am excited! Now I've just got to make sure my american accent is up to scratch, that I have prepared for every awkward question possible (HOW DO KIDS COME UP WITH THESE THINGS??) and practice walking in my mahoosive wings without taking out the eye of a small child...Oh, and get my driving done. I totally should get round to that as soon as I re-order my lost provisional license and redo my expired-nearly-three-years-ago theory test.
So yes, positive thinking and happy thoughts are going to get me through this whole life sussing out things, if it means I spend some time doing several random jobs( I feel like I may be better at that then the same stuffy 9-5 job anyway!) til I find what works for me, so be it- it really doesn't matter. Happiness really is the most important thing...otherwise it's all just a bit depressing and boring, I'm done with feeling sad and confused and ashamed, it's pointless and unproductive.
Happy thoughts and onward and upwards!
Mwaaaaah xxxxxxxx
Friday, 26 September 2014
Tasmin and the Three Puddings
I'm still at Superdrug. I'm still applying for jobs. I am still going out at the weekend. Everything is 'Still' at the moment whilst I continue to attempt and plan some sort of successful life for myself.
At the moment I am running on auto-pilot, I have too much to think about, yet nothing to say, I have no idea what to think or do, yet I can't stop lying awake at night, thinking too many thinks to sleep,
In other words I am completely and utterly...Brain mushed.
We are moving house soon, this means this afternoon two big boxes of memories were left in my bedroom. Cards from when I was born, cards I have written, baby pictures, school pictures, school certificates, paintings, school books, folders and folders of writing. I seemed to like documenting my life when I was six, in fact there is a whole folder of 'documents', letters from friends and a4 pages that I use to write on holiday, along with pictures I'd drawn explaining what I had done that day.
It's really interesting to see it all, it reminds me that even in all this grown up scariness, when I see things I've written and things people have written about me, I realise that I'm still the same 6/7/8 etc etc year old that I was, obviously in a grown up body with slightly more grown up tendencies (kind of), but reminders are there that I am still the same person and that underneath all the current panic and confusion, I'm still just Tasmin.
There's a photo of me in bed asleep sucking my fingers with my teddy Huggles aged 6 in my bright yellow bedroom; I still go for the yellow straw/ yellow counter in a game/ yellow lollipop when given the option. I still have my Teddy bear Huggles (in fact he is sitting on my bed right now) and I still like sleep and I sometimes, occasionally, maybe...istillsometimessuckmyfingerseventhoughimtwentyonebutonlyinsecretsonooneknowsexceptmyfamilybecausetheyhaveseenmedoitforthelasttwentyoneyearssowhystopnowAHEEEEEEEEEEEEM.
There's my old child of the week certificates where my classmates describe me as 'She is the Cha-Cha Queen' (I think they mean the Cha-Cha slide in which case...correct) 'She is a dancing disco diva' (obvs), 'She is a real superstar' (duh), 'She has lovely neat handwriting' (It's now more of a mahoosive round print), 'She is a founding member of french club' (Je' Nem Pas la spaghetti, Bonjour mon petit fluer') 'She has custard legs' (Yes...Yes...I do)
One of my favourite findings was a 'post' I had written whilst on holiday in Florida.
So since my brain is mushed, this weeks blog is brought to you by Tasmin aged Nine and Eight Months:
TASMIN AND THE THREE PUDDINGS:
On Saturday after we had been to Blizzard Beach we went for a meal it was a buffet.
I wasnt very hungry so I just got myself some beef, mashpotato and some gravy: So I ate that everything going smoothly so far,
Then came the pudding:
Pudding NO1: I got myself some Jelly and Icecream well I though it was Ice-Cream but it wasn't. It was actually butter that I put had just loaded onto my plate on top of my jelly (well it looked like it, So I got another plate like it! and started again!
Pudding NO2: I got myself some ice-cream (real!) Jelly and some Jelly beans.
I had a lot on my plate and it looked lovely.
I couldn't wait to eat it! I went to the table and put it down. Just as I put it Down mum moved her arm knocking my pudding onto the floor. SPLAT! suddenly there was Ice cream and jelly and jelly beans all over the floor! we had to call a waiter and sort it out! How embarassing:
3rd Pudding: LUCKY!
It could have been written last week, though if I wrote it last week, hopefully not every single Y would be back to front (unfortunately they don't have a keyboard option for that one..)
I've also found a picture of me dresses as a ballerina (I went to one class), A handmade card from my Uncle saying 'Congratulations on being born' (thanks) and a very curtainy looking dress which I like to think belongs to a doll, unfortunately I have baby pictures to prove otherwise!
Right..on to box number 2...
At the moment I am running on auto-pilot, I have too much to think about, yet nothing to say, I have no idea what to think or do, yet I can't stop lying awake at night, thinking too many thinks to sleep,
In other words I am completely and utterly...Brain mushed.
We are moving house soon, this means this afternoon two big boxes of memories were left in my bedroom. Cards from when I was born, cards I have written, baby pictures, school pictures, school certificates, paintings, school books, folders and folders of writing. I seemed to like documenting my life when I was six, in fact there is a whole folder of 'documents', letters from friends and a4 pages that I use to write on holiday, along with pictures I'd drawn explaining what I had done that day.
It's really interesting to see it all, it reminds me that even in all this grown up scariness, when I see things I've written and things people have written about me, I realise that I'm still the same 6/7/8 etc etc year old that I was, obviously in a grown up body with slightly more grown up tendencies (kind of), but reminders are there that I am still the same person and that underneath all the current panic and confusion, I'm still just Tasmin.
There's a photo of me in bed asleep sucking my fingers with my teddy Huggles aged 6 in my bright yellow bedroom; I still go for the yellow straw/ yellow counter in a game/ yellow lollipop when given the option. I still have my Teddy bear Huggles (in fact he is sitting on my bed right now) and I still like sleep and I sometimes, occasionally, maybe...istillsometimessuckmyfingerseventhoughimtwentyonebutonlyinsecretsonooneknowsexceptmyfamilybecausetheyhaveseenmedoitforthelasttwentyoneyearssowhystopnowAHEEEEEEEEEEEEM.
There's my old child of the week certificates where my classmates describe me as 'She is the Cha-Cha Queen' (I think they mean the Cha-Cha slide in which case...correct) 'She is a dancing disco diva' (obvs), 'She is a real superstar' (duh), 'She has lovely neat handwriting' (It's now more of a mahoosive round print), 'She is a founding member of french club' (Je' Nem Pas la spaghetti, Bonjour mon petit fluer') 'She has custard legs' (Yes...Yes...I do)
One of my favourite findings was a 'post' I had written whilst on holiday in Florida.
So since my brain is mushed, this weeks blog is brought to you by Tasmin aged Nine and Eight Months:
TASMIN AND THE THREE PUDDINGS:
On Saturday after we had been to Blizzard Beach we went for a meal it was a buffet.
I wasnt very hungry so I just got myself some beef, mashpotato and some gravy: So I ate that everything going smoothly so far,
Then came the pudding:
Pudding NO1: I got myself some Jelly and Icecream well I though it was Ice-Cream but it wasn't. It was actually butter that I put had just loaded onto my plate on top of my jelly (well it looked like it, So I got another plate like it! and started again!
Pudding NO2: I got myself some ice-cream (real!) Jelly and some Jelly beans.
I had a lot on my plate and it looked lovely.
I couldn't wait to eat it! I went to the table and put it down. Just as I put it Down mum moved her arm knocking my pudding onto the floor. SPLAT! suddenly there was Ice cream and jelly and jelly beans all over the floor! we had to call a waiter and sort it out! How embarassing:
3rd Pudding: LUCKY!
It could have been written last week, though if I wrote it last week, hopefully not every single Y would be back to front (unfortunately they don't have a keyboard option for that one..)
I've also found a picture of me dresses as a ballerina (I went to one class), A handmade card from my Uncle saying 'Congratulations on being born' (thanks) and a very curtainy looking dress which I like to think belongs to a doll, unfortunately I have baby pictures to prove otherwise!
Right..on to box number 2...
Tuesday, 2 September 2014
UnWisdomness
Google Search:
Why are wisdom teeth called wisdom teeth?
Wisdom teeth are called wisdom teeth because they erupt (emerge) into the mouth when people are in their late teens or early twenties, affectionately termed the "Age of Wisdom"
Well, I have three of the bastards making me reach for the Nurofen/Ibuprofen/Brick Wall; and I have never felt less wise in my life.
I knew finishing University would be tough. I knew it was going to be a scary transition into the next stage of life. I just didn't anticipate it would be this tough. I thought although it would be tough I would just kind of, glide gracefully (not that I do anything gracefully) into the next chapter. Breaking news: I haven't...
Its the weirdest feeling and I can't really explain it. Although I'm sad to have finished University, I'm happy to be leaving the stress of it all. Although I'm sad to have left our lovely flat, I'm happy to have less financial strain for the time being. Although I miss my housemates, I know one is still in Chichester, a 17 minute train ride for me and one is in Hastings. They are hardly the other end of the country - Yet something just doesn't feel right...I just feel...a little bit empty. I'm still perfectly happy...It's just something that I can't put my finger on.
Perhaps it's the fear of being lost. I've gone from School, to Sixth form, to University. I've always known what's coming next. And now I'm stumbling slightly. However sometimes the unknown is good, it's the chance for a fresh start and new and exciting opportunities, I just need to figure out what I want those to be. But I'll get there. It's just a case of seeing it as something positive and not something scary!
So I'm all moved back home now. Back with Mum and Rob, back with the small sibling types, back with Doris (who has seemed to take over the role of hormonal teenager the last two years I've been gone), back with Wilbur and Dairylea the Rabbits and Ryevita and Dip the Guineapigs (I think that's what they are called, so many come and go I lose track) and the fish aquarium with Liz and Phil and Terence and Mr Snicket and whatever the hell they've all been named.
It is nice to be home. It's a massive shock to the system. I've gone from having dinner at nine whilst watching Big Brother to having dinner at six, followed by half an hour of Tracey Beaker, followed by a read of 'The Magic faraway tree' (Or something similar) if I am on small sibling type bed time story duty.
But it's okay, I'm slowly getting back into a routine and feeling settled. (This included Panto auditions yesterday with the lovely Bench Theatre, who I did a show with three years ago and then haven't been able to do another one since due to University chaos - I'm so excited to do another show and get some more silliness back into my life!!)
When I left the flat, I cried the whole way home and on and off for about three days after that. My first night home I explained to my mum through my hiccup-y tears as she hugged me, that I wasn't crying because I was sad to be home, but because I was sad to be leaving. Contradicting I know, But it was tough saying goodbye to the last two years of my life living independently. Its the most cheesiest expression, but all I could think of was that it was the end of an era...and that nothing was going to be the same again...
What a frickin' drama queen eh?!
Still, the end of an era means the start of the new one.
SO, I'm going to work through the Un-wiseness:
I'm going to do panto - (OHHH YES I AM!)
I'm going to find a new job, where I can actually use my degree (And earn more money!)
I'm going to (try) and lose the Stone and a half that living independently for 2 years resulted in (UH!)
And I'm going to get my driving done (OH GAAAAAD)
ONWARDS!
Why are wisdom teeth called wisdom teeth?
Wisdom teeth are called wisdom teeth because they erupt (emerge) into the mouth when people are in their late teens or early twenties, affectionately termed the "Age of Wisdom"
Well, I have three of the bastards making me reach for the Nurofen/Ibuprofen/Brick Wall; and I have never felt less wise in my life.
I knew finishing University would be tough. I knew it was going to be a scary transition into the next stage of life. I just didn't anticipate it would be this tough. I thought although it would be tough I would just kind of, glide gracefully (not that I do anything gracefully) into the next chapter. Breaking news: I haven't...
Its the weirdest feeling and I can't really explain it. Although I'm sad to have finished University, I'm happy to be leaving the stress of it all. Although I'm sad to have left our lovely flat, I'm happy to have less financial strain for the time being. Although I miss my housemates, I know one is still in Chichester, a 17 minute train ride for me and one is in Hastings. They are hardly the other end of the country - Yet something just doesn't feel right...I just feel...a little bit empty. I'm still perfectly happy...It's just something that I can't put my finger on.
Perhaps it's the fear of being lost. I've gone from School, to Sixth form, to University. I've always known what's coming next. And now I'm stumbling slightly. However sometimes the unknown is good, it's the chance for a fresh start and new and exciting opportunities, I just need to figure out what I want those to be. But I'll get there. It's just a case of seeing it as something positive and not something scary!
So I'm all moved back home now. Back with Mum and Rob, back with the small sibling types, back with Doris (who has seemed to take over the role of hormonal teenager the last two years I've been gone), back with Wilbur and Dairylea the Rabbits and Ryevita and Dip the Guineapigs (I think that's what they are called, so many come and go I lose track) and the fish aquarium with Liz and Phil and Terence and Mr Snicket and whatever the hell they've all been named.
It is nice to be home. It's a massive shock to the system. I've gone from having dinner at nine whilst watching Big Brother to having dinner at six, followed by half an hour of Tracey Beaker, followed by a read of 'The Magic faraway tree' (Or something similar) if I am on small sibling type bed time story duty.
But it's okay, I'm slowly getting back into a routine and feeling settled. (This included Panto auditions yesterday with the lovely Bench Theatre, who I did a show with three years ago and then haven't been able to do another one since due to University chaos - I'm so excited to do another show and get some more silliness back into my life!!)
When I left the flat, I cried the whole way home and on and off for about three days after that. My first night home I explained to my mum through my hiccup-y tears as she hugged me, that I wasn't crying because I was sad to be home, but because I was sad to be leaving. Contradicting I know, But it was tough saying goodbye to the last two years of my life living independently. Its the most cheesiest expression, but all I could think of was that it was the end of an era...and that nothing was going to be the same again...
What a frickin' drama queen eh?!
Still, the end of an era means the start of the new one.
SO, I'm going to work through the Un-wiseness:
I'm going to do panto - (OHHH YES I AM!)
I'm going to find a new job, where I can actually use my degree (And earn more money!)
I'm going to (try) and lose the Stone and a half that living independently for 2 years resulted in (UH!)
And I'm going to get my driving done (OH GAAAAAD)
ONWARDS!
Sunday, 6 July 2014
In with the new...
Hello...
As you may have gathered, I've started a new blog 'ooooooh.'
I've been inspired recently by certain people (You know who you are!) to carry on with my blogging. I managed to make my last blog 'Inside Tasmins Bubble' last for about two years and was some what astounded by the amount of positive feedback I got from people about my ramblings.
I love that blog, We became very good friends, the blog and I, however - we just outgrew each other.
Now I have finished University and am entering this new stage of life, I feel it necessary to own a blog that represents the new found mature me. Okay I am not new found, or mature, owning a new, grown-up blog is not going to stop me getting drunk and going down classy Thursdays with the girls, Or listening to Disney Music, Ordering Happy Meals (with extra chips) down McDonalds or watching Tracey Beaker on Netflix, Nope I will still be doing that - However as well as this I will be Tasmin Rhianne Halford with a B.A Honours degree in Performing Arts: Theatre Performance (That sounds far too posh for me) - Who's attempting to enter the grown up world of 'A Career.'
'Inside Tasmin's Bubble' - At the time it was exactly what I thought the blog was going to be, an insight into my life - and looking over it and seeing all the old posts, It has made me realise how amazing the last two years have been and how much has gone on, even though at times I felt like life sucked, it really has been great.
The name was also becoming a bit of an issue for me...
'Insides Tasmin's Bubble'
Sweet, but kind of like having my first MSN address x-Sugar-Tinted-Kisses-x, Or my childhood teddy 'Huggles' - ever so slightly sickly.
Just like my old Bebo, Piczo, Myspace, MSN Addresses, I won't be deleting my old blog, It will still be there floating in cyberspace for anyone who wants to see it again - Though normally the websites go bust and delete them for me...
Anyway, I will keep this short but sweet; With house-moving, job-hunting and life-discovering (ooft) on the horizon (though it is on a speedboat and heading towards me faster and faster...) I'm sure there will be plenty to say in the very near future!
(Okay now is an issue, how do I sign this thing off, I'd normally say, do I stick with the old 'Loves xx' that I used to sign off with? Or do I say 'Thank you!' - But that sounds far too desperate "Thanks for giving a sh*t about what I have to say!" - Well now I'm stumped. Okay, for now we shall settle with....)
Byeee! x
(Eeeeesht. I'll work on it for next time, Promise. Please do come back.)
As you may have gathered, I've started a new blog 'ooooooh.'
I've been inspired recently by certain people (You know who you are!) to carry on with my blogging. I managed to make my last blog 'Inside Tasmins Bubble' last for about two years and was some what astounded by the amount of positive feedback I got from people about my ramblings.
I love that blog, We became very good friends, the blog and I, however - we just outgrew each other.
Now I have finished University and am entering this new stage of life, I feel it necessary to own a blog that represents the new found mature me. Okay I am not new found, or mature, owning a new, grown-up blog is not going to stop me getting drunk and going down classy Thursdays with the girls, Or listening to Disney Music, Ordering Happy Meals (with extra chips) down McDonalds or watching Tracey Beaker on Netflix, Nope I will still be doing that - However as well as this I will be Tasmin Rhianne Halford with a B.A Honours degree in Performing Arts: Theatre Performance (That sounds far too posh for me) - Who's attempting to enter the grown up world of 'A Career.'
'Inside Tasmin's Bubble' - At the time it was exactly what I thought the blog was going to be, an insight into my life - and looking over it and seeing all the old posts, It has made me realise how amazing the last two years have been and how much has gone on, even though at times I felt like life sucked, it really has been great.
The name was also becoming a bit of an issue for me...
'Insides Tasmin's Bubble'
Sweet, but kind of like having my first MSN address x-Sugar-Tinted-Kisses-x, Or my childhood teddy 'Huggles' - ever so slightly sickly.
Just like my old Bebo, Piczo, Myspace, MSN Addresses, I won't be deleting my old blog, It will still be there floating in cyberspace for anyone who wants to see it again - Though normally the websites go bust and delete them for me...
Anyway, I will keep this short but sweet; With house-moving, job-hunting and life-discovering (ooft) on the horizon (though it is on a speedboat and heading towards me faster and faster...) I'm sure there will be plenty to say in the very near future!
(Okay now is an issue, how do I sign this thing off, I'd normally say, do I stick with the old 'Loves xx' that I used to sign off with? Or do I say 'Thank you!' - But that sounds far too desperate "Thanks for giving a sh*t about what I have to say!" - Well now I'm stumped. Okay, for now we shall settle with....)
Byeee! x
(Eeeeesht. I'll work on it for next time, Promise. Please do come back.)
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)